by Sam Geballe

Sam Geballe, *Sinking,* self-portrait digital capture, 2020. Courtesy of the artist.

Self-Untitled

Sam Geballe | MAY 2024 | Issue 33

“My entire adult life has been about being intentionally vulnerable in hopes of getting better; that vulnerability is an invitation to meet me in my art to connect and find shared experience.”

Artist Statement: 2013-Present

This is not another fat kid story. There are times when I do assume that role, but it does not define me. I can find many reasons to explain why I ate, but it would be all too easy to displace blame. What people do not realize are the functions of my size: I used my weight as a barrier to mask vulnerability and create walls as a way to protect myself. It is how I survived.

I make self-portraits to shift perspective from how I see myself to my interpretation of how others see me. Self-Untitled visualizes the feeling that false perceptions provoke, and speaks more broadly to the mistreatment of a person. Self-Untitled is a body of work that requires fearlessness. I have had to set aside doubts to convey my intended message.

Sam Geballe, *Window,* self-portrait digital capture, 2014. Courtesy of the artist.

I think people's assumptions arise from their own personal history. My assumptions emerge when I make conclusions about the present through the lens of past experiences. This pattern is cyclical, but I can change the outcome by humanizing myself to others. What I have learned and strive to depict in my art is that being vulnerable and forming connections can be healing.

I share my story as an opportunity for a viewer to say, “I’ve been there too.”

Sam Geballe, *Suit* self-portrait digital capture, 2021. Courtesy of the artist.

Update 2022-Present

In 2014, I had gastric bypass and my life radically changed. Most of my excess weight lifted within a year. The changes were drastic. Being alive was unbelievably easier. I could breathe, but I was also devastated to learn that I had no idea who I was.

Sam Geballe, *Side,* self-portrait digital capture, 2014. Courtesy of the artist.

Sam Geballe, *Breathe,* self-portrait digital capture, 2014. Courtesy of the artist.

Sam Geballe, *Cut,* self-portrait digital capture, 2014. Courtesy of the artist.

Fear quickly filled the space where my body had been. My walls were gone. I did not know how to respond to others. I often reacted as if I were still in a bigger body. I felt unsafe and angry.

For years, I believed I had to atone for having been big, for the space I occupied, and for the food I ate. I wanted to disappear. I leveraged my past as a reason why I should not trust others or myself. I was afraid I would lose control, lose my breath, and lose my life.

Sam Geballe, *Looking at Me,* self-portrait digital capture, 2015. Courtesy of the artist.

Sam Geballe, *One Year Later,* self-portrait digital capture, 2015. Courtesy of the artist.

Sam Geballe, *Untitled Cottage,* self-portrait digital capture, 2016. Courtesy of the artist.

Sam Geballe, *Harsh Light,* self-portrait digital capture, 2019. Courtesy of the artist.

It is difficult for me to believe these are my self-portraits. They feel distant and unrecognizable. Depersonalization is a defense I use to avoid pain, but avoiding pain forces me to keep it. It is not a key to good living.

People tend to believe my work is about weight loss. In the past, it has unintentionally sent the message of a certain body being more acceptable over the other, and I try to be cautious about othering myself to myself.

I started Self-Untitled to help alleviate shame I had for my body, build connection, and humanize myself to others. That is still true, but now, self-portraiture is also a way I process life. It is a practice of self-acceptance; a daily conversation and reminder that I deserve to take up space. I do not need to apologize for my existence.

Sam Geballe is an artist living and working in the San Francisco Bay Area. Sam’s involvement in art began in early childhood, and they have frequently used creative expression as a means of communication and connection to their self and others. In 2013, Sam began work on a self-portrait series, Self-Untitled. The series explores themes of body image, memory, gender, trauma, and healing. In addition to photographs, Sam incorporates bookmaking, drawing, filmmaking, and music composition. They continue their self-portraiture work as a daily practice and ongoing memoir. Sam uses the pronouns he/they and identifies as trans genderqueer.