romance scam
by Nay Saysourinho
Saskia Jordá, Nexus III, sketches 1-8, detail, wood, glue, and enamel, dimensions variable, 2017. Photograph by Grey Shed Studio.
ROMANCE SCAM
NAY SAYSOURINHO / MARCH 2021 / ISSUE 6
Dear Mark,
My favorite color is blue, my favorite place is Paris. On my birthday, a boyfriend once bought me callas lilies and I knew it was over because lilies are for graves. I’ve never done something like this before. Do I tell you more about my life? I live in San Francisco, I have a brother, but we don’t speak anymore. Not since our mother passed away and left me the house on Presidio. I have many friends, but they never ask the questions I wish they would ask. I wonder if that makes me a bad friend, to wish they would ask and to resent them when they don’t?
I bought a blue dress last week but was too afraid to wear it to work. In the end, I wore my gray suit. I like eating pasta with butter, I prefer milk chocolate over dark and Alfred Hitchcock is my favorite director. In my fantasy, you will remember all the things that I like, and when you see something I like, you will text me and say this reminded me of you.
I know you said the internet where you are is terrible. I don’t expect a refugee camp in a war-torn country to have the best amenities, even if you are the physician in charge. I understand you have to work with what you have. But can you really not Facetime me even once? I love your photos, but I also want to see your face smile at me, and blush, and frown. I want to see what you look like when you speak to me, how your mouth moves when it tells the truth or when it lies. The difference won’t matter to me, I promise. Can you call me?
Dear Mark,
I can’t believe how corrupt the government is, withholding medical supplies from its own people. And then to freeze all your assets, after you went through the trouble of selling your home in London to finance your clinic. Of course, I will send you money. I want to help your patients too. I’ve told my accountant Vida to put some money aside and we’ll send it very soon to the person whose name you gave us. If you trust this man, then I trust him too. We are sending a small amount first to make sure that you can access it safely. Once we know the transaction is secure, I will send you the rest. I am here for you, just as you are here for me.
Do you know what my colleagues said when I announced that we were engaged? They said that you were a fraud, but I know that’s not true. You wouldn’t have sent me your mother’s ring if you were a fraud. I could tell it was a precious heirloom. The gold is tarnished, and the stone is missing. But I love it. I will use my mother’s old diamond solitaire to reset it once we’re married.
Still, my colleagues are not wrong when they say it’s strange that you can’t video call me at all. Please speak to me, face to face, so we can begin to plan for our future together. I will send extra money for a plane ticket. I have booked us an inn where we can stay once you land. We can take a trip together somewhere. Maybe a place neither of us has ever been to before. Wouldn’t it be lovely to have a pre-honeymoon?
In the meantime, please find a reliable wi-fi connection and call me as soon as you can. Do you think you will need more money? I bought a new Margiela dress today that makes me look like Tippi Hedren.
Dear Mark,
I was so surprised and delighted when you called me last night. It’s frustrating that the webcam gave out so quickly, but even in those few minutes I could see you, I could tell—yes, this is the man who has been writing to me all those weeks. The man whose hands I cannot wait to feel. At first, I wasn’t sure it was you because you didn’t have a British accent. But I hear it happens sometimes, when you’ve been away from your home for many years.
As I said last night, I am so sorry my accountant Veda misunderstood my request and only sent you a few hundred dollars. I realize it’s not very much – it couldn’t have been very useful. But I’m sending her down to Western Union later today with five thousand dollars. Will that be enough? I know it probably barely covers rent. Before my mother left me the house, my apartment on Hayes Street used to cost me forty-eight hundred per month. But there was a sushi restaurant just around the corner (with barely any seating at all) that offered the most delicious selection of sashimi.
How much do you love me? Will you eat sashimi with me? Are you adventurous? You must be, to take on these international assignments all the time. That’s what attracted me to you, I could picture us traveling the world together. Have you ever been to Sardinia? When I was there, I tried casu martzu. It’s truly a delicacy, a sheep milk cheese riddled with live maggots that reminded me of a strong Camembert. Some people are easily disgusted by such things, but those things are what make life more interesting. As I was eating my slice of casu with bread, I could feel the larvae slip between my fingers. What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten?
Do you think five thousand dollars will be enough for your expenses? I can send more. Tell me again how much you love me. I want to hear you say it over and over again.
Dear Mark,
Something terrible happened. My accountant Vera was on her way to the Western Union, and when she stepped out of her car, someone mugged her in the parking lot. They stole her purse and her briefcase and even her coat. Fortunately, she is safe and sound, just a little bruised from when the attacker pushed her down. It could have been so much worse. The police are still looking for the suspect. Isn’t it scary?
I will let you know when I get around to sending the wire. First, I have to cancel the other check, to make sure they don’t get a hold of that money. And then I will draft a new one and take it myself to the store. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt on my account. I know it was a matter of being at the wrong place and the wrong moment, but I would feel forever guilty if someone thought a friend of mine carried enough money to be killed over. Since it’s my money, I will take the risk myself.
You know, something like this really makes you realize what’s important in life. I was thinking, since we are planning to get married, that maybe I need to change my will. I love you. I would want you to be taken care of, should something happen to me.
Dear Mark,
My heart could barely handle your voice last night. How sweet it is to hear you again, even if I couldn’t see you clearly on the webcam. You sounded so concerned about me, like no one has ever been concerned before. When I read your emails, I feel deeply loved. It’s uncanny how you always manage to say exactly what I want to hear.
As promised, I will head out to the Western Union in the morning.
Did you like the video I sent you? Send me something too. I want you.
Dear Mark,
If you love me so much, why were you so angry with me yesterday? I had planned to wire you the money, but my car died in the middle of the road. After that, I couldn’t think of anything else. I hate it when my day is thrown off like that. Please don’t be angry. I know you desperately need the money, and I am doing all I can to send it to you. I think about you constantly, constantly.
Tell me, darling. How often have you watched the video I sent you? I did what you asked me to do, and it felt wonderful doing it. It made me feel like I was yours, like you were almost here with me. But you still haven’t sent me a video of you yet. Which means you owe me one. (You didn’t think I would forget, did you?) What should I make you do to prove your love? Such an arousing thought. I could think of a million things, but those things would seem boring to a man like you, who works in dangerous countries all the time. I’ve never met anyone as selfless as you. When you get here, I will make sure to spoil you rotten. That being said, you still owe me a video.
Do you know what I really want, deep down in my soul? I want to watch you eat a cockroach. Yes. A live cockroach, my love.
Do you desire me madly enough to eat a bug? I can’t take you to Sardinia if you can’t eat a measly little insect. We will travel so much sweetheart, it will make your head spin. First class flights, first class hotels. All the food we can eat, and not just insects of course. The finest meals, the finest wines. I have friends who own vineyards in Italy and France.
Maybe I want to punish you a little bit too, for getting so angry with me. But mostly, I want to see how much you love me. I want to see it, as you chew on its crunchy little body. I need to hear it.
Dear Mark,
I don’t understand how the money still hasn’t reached you. Are you sure you gave me the right account number? It’s so strange! But don’t worry. I will sort out the matter. Besides, you got the first few hundred dollars I had sent you months ago, so we know the account number must be correct. I wonder what happened? I don’t really understand how these things work. To be honest, most of my life I’ve had my accountant Velma take care of everything.
I don’t want to talk about boring money logistics anymore. I want to talk about us, about you.
Oh sweetie, you were so funny on the recording. I can tell we’re going to have so much fun together. I laughed so hard watching you swallow the roach. Maybe you could fry it next time. Everything tastes better deep fried. Did you know I ate fried guinea pig in Peru? It was delicious, served with a side of potatoes and corn.
Wait, I just thought of something fun.
I dare you to catch a rat, cook it, and eat it. If you win, I will send you the equivalent amount of two plane tickets to South America. The rule is: it cannot be someone’s pet. You have to catch one of those street rats. And when I say the price of two tickets, I mean two tickets first-class of course. (I almost never fly coach, I hope you don’t mind. I know it seems wasteful, but it’s sentimental. That’s how I always flew with my family.)
I will wait for your video before going to the Western Union. Just in case I have to add more zeros to the check! Isn’t this fun?
Dear Mark,
Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry you got sick after my silly little dare. Yes, I did see the video. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It brightened my day. You must love me madly to eat a nasty rat you caught in the trash. Did you season it? Were you able to pair a wine with it? I find that everything is more tolerable with a nice bottle of wine. As promised, I sent the wire myself, with one more zero. But I don’t mind losing the bet because we will be married anyway. I wouldn’t want to go to South America with anyone else.
Dear Mark,
What do you mean, you only received a hundred dollars? That’s impossible. I sent ten thousand dollars. Ten thousand! My accountant Vanda said you should file a complaint. She thinks someone has been intercepting your money. What about the man you had hired to take care of our transactions while you were at work? Could he be the culprit? I don’t know if I can send you anymore if it keeps getting lost like this. Interrogate him. Or maybe it’s the store on your end that’s crooked? You did say the government was out to get you. What if they know about us and are trying to freeze my accounts? I don’t understand how all this international finance works. I can’t possibly send you more money in these conditions.
Please fix the problem. Once it is resolved, I will send you even more money. Meanwhile, I need to contact my bank again. I don’t want them to think someone stole my identity.
Did you have dinner yet?
Dear Mark,
Where are you? Are you okay? It has been weeks since I’ve heard from you. I miss you. Tell me you love me.
Dear Mark,
I feel terrible, terrible that your illness has taken such a horrifying turn. It’s a good thing you’re a doctor. You would know by now if you had hantavirus, yes? Or leptospirosis? Do rats still carry the plague? Oh, I hope it’s not the plague. It would be tragic to die of something so quaint.
It’s all my fault. My childish need for you to prove your love is what caused this. Of course, I will pay your hospital fees. I will tell my accountant Vila to stop by the bank next week, after she takes my dog to the vet and my blue dress to the dry cleaner. How much do you need? Fifty thousand? A hundred thousand? I will send as much as you need. A million?
I hope you fired that man who was handling your money. I am now absolutely convinced that he is a fraudster. Have you considered that maybe you’re not sick from eating the rat? That maybe this malcontent has poisoned you in revenge? Which reminds me, my mother used to have a cure for food poisoning, though the cure may be worse than the illness. You will need to find a gallbladder and fresh bile from a cow. Let me know if you want the recipe, but don’t wait too long. I get bored easily.
Nay Saysourinho is a writer, literary critic and visual artist. She is the 2020 Rona Jaffe Fellow at MacDowell and a Berkeley Fellow at Yale. In addition to having received the Adina Talve-Goodman Fellowship from One Story Magazine in its inaugural year, she was awarded fellowships and scholarships from Kundiman, The Writers Grotto, The Mendocino Coast Writers Conference and Tin House. She has been published in The Funambulist Magazine, The Asian American Writers Workshop, Kenyon Review, Ploughshares Blog, and more. She is currently working on a novel and a series of visual fables based on Lao weaving symbology.
Saskia Jordá was born in Caracas, Venezuela and works with site-specific installations, drawings, and performances that map the tension between retaining one's identity and assimilating a foreign persona. “Having relocated from my native Venezuela to the United States as a teenager, I became aware of the layers of 'skin' that define and separate cultures—one's own skin, the second skin of clothing, the shell of one's dwelling place—all these protecting the vital space of one's hidden identity.”